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【名师改作文】托福独立写作真题——拥堵路段收费可还行?
2020-04-30 18:44 来源:   作者:

“新航道图书”微信公众号推出了名师改作文”的活动——我们从征集来的托福作文稿件中选出了一篇较具代表性的考生作文,新航道金牌教师、《新托福写作真经6》的作者庾翔老师亲自修改,为这位小伙伴的托福写作指点迷津,也希望能对大家之后的托福写作有所点拨。近期正在备考托福的同学要积极关注并参与我们“新航道图书”公众号推出的名师改作文活动呀!


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庾翔老师,新航道长沙腾飞学院副总监,教授托福写作&阅读,SAT文法,ACT写作,托福首战111。曾混迹国内知名字幕组,如今征战教学一线数余载,被学生赞誉“能将学生对写作的厌恶感清零的翔哥”

本期评改作文题目如下↓↓↓

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?:The government should require drivers to pay a fee to be allowed to drive on the city streets during the time when there is the greatest amount of traffic.


学生原文第一段

Traffic jam is one of the biggest problem in our modern society which caused by the greatest amount of traffic. And many countries and government are spare no efforts to eliminate this problem. But what is the most effective way to achieve their goal? What should the government do? There is a debate about whether government should require drivers to pay a fee to be allowed to drive on the city streets during the time when there is the greatest amount of traffic. From my perspective, i agree with the statement for the following reasons.

老师点评

学生这一首段,自然引入话题。在一些句子结构上面能体现更多的变化会更好。比如第一句使用了中国学生普遍都会写的定语从句,笔者根据前面主系表的结构,将其改成了一个含同位语作插入语的句子。而原文的连续两个问句体现了学生的语言功底,但是内容稍显啰嗦,笔者根据后文内容,将其改成了两个都含插入语的平行问句。想要练习遣词造句的同学,完全可以通过研究《新托福写作真经6》中的参考范文以及延伸素材中的文章去提升此能力。比如该书255页,谈到电子游戏会阻碍学业进步,素材中就出现了三个动宾搭配的并列结构,非常出彩:Gamers might procrastinate on their studying, rush through their homework, or simply ignore a deadline in favor of playing their favorite game. 

老师修改

Traffic jam, one of the biggest problem in our modern society, is caused by the greatest amount of traffic. Many countries and government spare no efforts to eliminate this problem. What, they wonder, is the most effective way? Should, as is heatedly debated, should they require drivers to pay a fee to be allowed to drive on the city streets during the time when there is the greatest amount of traffic? From my perspective, I agree with this practice for the following reasons.


学生原文第二段

First of all, requiring drivers to pay a fee to be allowed to drive on the city streets during the time when there is the greatest amount of travel could help eliminate the traffic jam on the street. Since drivers need to pay a certain fee, some of them may probably choose to stay at home or choose another street instead of driving on that street. In this situation, the traffic jam may decrease. This way also allows someone who really need to drive on the certain street drive on it by paying a fee, which may not bring any inconvenient to anyone. 

老师点评

毋庸置疑,拥堵路段收费会减少交通拥挤。学生从这个角度切入,合情合理。不过提到是否会给司机造成不便时,要考虑更周到一些。笔者增加了两句话去分析不便会有,但是不会给司机造成实质性伤害。同时,关键论点句采用了短句,更简洁明了。很多同学写惯了长句,往往忽略短句的妙用,比如《新托福写作真经6》250页参考范文第一句就是短句,简单而冲击力强:Today’s children are facing a risk. 

老师修改

First of all, since drivers need to pay a certain fee so as to drive their car on the busy streets, some of them may choose to make a detour or simply give up the inclination to go to certain destinations. This definitely engenders a little inconvenience to them. Nevertheless, if a little fee could scare them away from those streets, such inconvenience won’t hurt them. After all, the number of cars on those busy streets is bound to decrease. Traffic jam is alleviated. Those who really need a direct route through those streets may not be unwilling to pay for the congestion. 


学生原文第三段

What’s more, it also good for the environment. Because such fee may be not affordable to some people, they might choose take public transportation. So there will be less car on the street, meaning less air pollution. Someone may choose to ride a bike, which is not only good for the environment, but also good for his body health. For example, in my city some streets need us to pay a fee to be passed through. Each time when i need to pass that street, i will choose taking the bus instead of taking my mom’s car. This means is both ecological and economical.

老师点评

这一段学生想传达的重要意思是拥堵路段污染严重,在这点上笔墨还不够多。笔者从尾气的排放和鸣笛造成的噪音两方面说明空气和噪音污染都十分严重。

老师修改

What’s more, car emission is definitely soaring due to large amounts of cars’ moving in succession on some busy streets, with engines started and turned off from time to time. Car horns are mostly tooting thanks to roaring drivers’ impatience, further aggravating the pollution. Congestion pricing can intimidate some drivers from driving their cars into these streets. Meanwhile, some might choose to take public transportation or ride a bike. There will thus be less cars on these streets, meaning less air or noise pollution. 


学生原文第四段

Last but no the least, requiring drivers to pay a fee could also strengthen the government funding. All cities need government money for their infrastructure, including roads, bridges, highways and so on. This fee could be one of the source of the government’s revenue. Only then, will government have more money to improve the city’s infrastructure and give the citizen a better life.

老师点评

这一段立意没问题,只不过单单提到政府需要花钱搞基建,仿佛拥堵路段收费能收到很多钱,就有些夸大其词了。想更实际更切题的话,可以提到交通拥挤的路段道路维护和警力维持都很耗钱,司机缴纳的费用被政府收了,反过来又可以用之于这些路段,实属良性循环。

老师修改

Last but not the least, streets with great amount of traffic need to be frequently maintained and require more traffic police officers as well. These streets crave for money. Money collected from this congestion pricing system will add to government funds. Government can allocate more funds to public transport in return. A virtuous cycle! 


学生原文最后两段

Although some people may think the car license plate limit could also be a effective way to eliminate the traffic jam, i have to say this may bring inconvenient to the people who really need to pass that street but been limited. However, requiring drivers paying a fee may not cause this problem, since they have choices. In addition, this solution also have other benefit than the car license plat limit have.

 

From what I have discussed above, we could easily draw a conclusion that government should require drivers to pay a fee to be allowed to drive on the city streets during the time when there is the greatest amount of traffic.

老师点评

最后是让步段以及结尾段,均无任何大问题。注意“限号”的英文准确说法,不要生硬的直译。

老师修改

Although some may argue imposing restrictions on cars based on their license plate could also be an effective way to eliminate the traffic jam, this brings inconvenience to the people who really need to pass a certain street. However, as I just argued, requiring drivers paying a fee may not cause this problem, since drivers have more choices. In addition, paying a fee also has other benefits.

 

From what I have discussed above, we could easily draw a conclusion that government should require drivers to pay a fee to be allowed to drive on the city streets during the time when there is the greatest amount of traffic.

看了上面的修改,不知道大家有没有收获呢?托福写作备考离不开一次又一次的修改提高,关注“新航道图书”微信公众号,参与到我们“名师改作文”的活动中,让新航道名师亲自给你修改作文吧!此外,《新托福写作真经6》中还有更多的真题、写作范文和写作策略指导,快动手操练起来!

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