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【名师改作文】托福独立写作真题——现在比过去更容易接受好的教育?
2020-04-30 18:20 来源:   作者:
“新航道图书”微信公众号推出了名师改作文”的活动——我们从征集来的托福作文稿件中选出了一篇较具代表性的考生作文,新航道金牌教师、《新托福写作真经6》的作者庾翔老师亲自修改,为这位小伙伴的托福写作指点迷津,也希望能对大家之后的托福写作有所点拨。近期正在备考托福的同学要积极关注并参与我们“新航道图书”公众号推出的“名师改作文”活动呀!

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庾翔老师,新航道长沙腾飞学院副总监,教授托福写作&阅读,SAT文法,ACT写作,托福首战111。曾混迹国内知名字幕组,如今征战教学一线数余载,被学生赞誉“能将学生对写作的厌恶感清零的翔哥”

本期评改作文题目如下↓↓↓

 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?——It is easier to become well-educated than it was in the past.


学生原文第1段

Recently, more and more parents focu their attentions on education of their kids, and begin to think now education ability in China is not perfect. But in my opinion, I think now Chinese education is better and easier to improve students than it in the past.

老师点评

有些常用词尝试想想有没有可替换的表达,这样表达上不落俗套,尤其是首段,能瞬间抓住考官注意力。比如more and more这个短语,基本都用烂了,可以换成the number of… is ever increasing.表明某事或人群的数量一直在增加。《新托福写作真经6》上不少参考范文对于“越来越”用什么英文来表达,就没有总是用more and more,比如170页Introduction 这段用到了there is growing concern among the public about sth.,表示大众越来越担忧某事。

老师修改

The number of parents focusing their attention on their children’s education is ever increasing. A small proportion of parents begin to think today’s imperfect education system renders it hard for people to become well-educated. In my opinion, however, it is easy for people nowadays to receive a high standard of education, apparently easier than it was in the past.


学生原文第2段

First of all, I think it is easier to become well-educated than it was in the past because the Chinese government and parents in the past couldn't pay enough attention and resources for education. Actually, in the past, most of families lived in China through their crops and animals which they feeded  and selled for other people, which caused they to suivive in the past and not think education is important for their children. On the other hand, the government didn't invest some educational facilities like schools or tests, which led some children to have to study alone or spend more expensive money finding their teachers if their want to study. For example, in the past in China there was a kid called Kong who could write a complete artcle fast, but he couldn't become a great author because his parents couldn't support him to study new knowledges.

老师点评

这一段主要需要完善的地方是,对于作者自己的claim,并没有给出明确的理由来解释,而是直接由claim推出下一步结果,这样必然会导致论证不充分。比如过去的政府没怎么建学校,原因是什么呢?比如《新托福写作真经6》238页,Body paragraph1中,对于第一句分论点“要鼓励小孩子多跟他人接触”,第二句就立刻说明了原因:人是社会性动物。从下面的修改可以看出,笔者用各种signal words,比如due to, since, because, contributor等,引出原因。另外例子基本无说服力,所以直接删掉。

老师修改

In the past, from parents to governments of all levels, people appeared to pay inadequate attention to education due to social disorders such as wars or other factors. Civilians in most countries, especially developing ones, made a living on produce made from their crops and domestic animals. Most families cultivated crops and fed animals every day, the reason why they could survive in the past. Therefore, people in previous times did not think education was important for their children since it was not a good help in agriculture. As far as the government is concerned, it didn’t allocate so many financial or other resources to education such as building schools because on top of its agenda was economic growth. Most factories, the main contributors to the development of economy, were in need of workers working on the stream lines, which generated little demand for education.


学生原文第3段

Secondly, I think it is easier to become well-educated than it was in the past because now Chinese educational system is complete and free. In China, the government constructs a lot of building about education like library or school which we can use to study. On the other hand, in fact, every Chinese children can get free studying chances for 9 years. Actually, over 85 percent civils in China used to study and get some skills like logical ability which support them to live in China through Chinese educational system.

老师点评

本段阐述当代社会的情况,跟上一段存在的问题类似,现在各种重视教育,原因是什么,肯定要说明。同时,加入了印度因为没重视教育而导致人才流失,来跟中国的例子对比,更突出说明现在各国都非常重视教育。

老师修改

In the contemporary society, education is becoming a high priority in a majority of countries. The prosperity and success of a country depends primarily on talents and education nurtures talented young generation. Also, parents’ awareness of the importance of education is increasing. Accordingly, businessmen with an acute sense set up private educational institute both offline and online. In China, for instance, the government constructs schools and libraries, where people can obtain knowledge. The tuition fee in this country is even free for primary and high schools students. And students can enjoy the free online courses top schools provide.India, on the other hand, seems to suffer a brain drain because most Indian high school graduates tend to further their education in U.S. and some choose to stay there. Its government is attempting to curb this trend.


学生原文第4段

As a result, I think now children can become well-educated than it in the past.

老师修改

As is stated above, I think it is easier for people to become well-educated than it was in the past.


不知在写作名师庾翔老师的指点之下,这位同学对托福写作有没有茅塞顿开的感觉?《新托福写作真经6》中还有更多的真题、写作范文和写作策略指导,快动手操练起来!