英语高能高分·就上新航道
【名师改作文】学习习惯能通过上课培养吗?
2020-04-30 17:11 来源:   作者:
“新航道图书”微信公众号推出了名师改作文”的活动——我们从征集来的托福作文稿件中选出了一篇较具代表性的考生作文,新航道金牌教师、《新托福写作真经6》的作者庾翔老师亲自修改,为这位小伙伴的托福写作指点迷津,也希望能对大家之后的托福写作有所点拨。近期正在备考托福的同学要积极关注并参与我们“新航道图书”公众号推出的“名师改作文”活动呀!

庾翔老师,新航道长沙腾飞学院副总监,教授托福写作&阅读,SAT文法,ACT写作,托福首战111。曾混迹国内知名字幕组,如今征战教学一线数余载,被学生赞誉“能将学生对写作的厌恶感清零的翔哥”

本期评改作文题目如下↓↓↓

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:Some students have poor study habits when they enter university or college. All students should take required courses to develop good habits.


学生原文第1段

Some college find out some of their student have poor habit entering their school, many teacher and teacher assistant wish all freshmen take required course to develop good habits. However I disagree.


老师点评

英语比较注重句间的衔接,从衔接词的使用这种非常明显的承接上下句的方式,到句间内容上的连贯,都是如此。大学发现一些学生学习习惯不好,所以老师们希望开设一门课。这两句之间,逻辑衔接词“所以”要写出来,不能想当然以为别人自然会看懂这个逻辑就不写。同样,最后一句——但是我不同意,你不同意什么呢?这个时候 however这样的衔接词虽然有了,可惜内容上没有真正接上上一句。


《新托福写作真经6》31页参考范文对应的题目跟本题类似,问是否有必要要求所有大学生都修公共演讲课。范文第一段就在内容和形式的衔接上作了非常好的示范。第一句先说大学生是进入社会的新生大军,第二句通过 nevertheless 转折,提到研究表明在竞争激烈的工作市场并不是所有大学生都能生存下来。第三句通过 with this in mind这个短语承接上一句,引出一些大学开始反思自己培养的人才哪里出了问题,其中就有部分大学认为是毕业生缺乏公共演讲技能。第四句通过短语 as to their consideration of rendering public speaking course compulsory,重述上一句部分信息来衔接,最终引出中心观点。


老师修改

Some colleges and universities find some of their students have poor study habits. Thus, many teachers and teaching assistants wish all students take required courses to develop good habits. However, I do not think such compulsory courses will work.


学生原文第2段

The main reason I disagree with it simple : the main purpose students to go to college  is to learn the particular ability or to further their study. Starting a required class which is not related to their purpose may distract students. Also, Rome was not built in one day, so as changing the study habits. It may took much more time for students to change. It is waste of time. Students expected they could get a job or successfully achieve some academic achievement, they do not wish when they get out of school learned nothing but the study habit. For example, according to the Ministry of Education, There are 10 percent of colleges in Shanghai start required classes for freshmen to learn the habit first. After “graduate exam”, they will be able to select their own course. However, there are 50 to 60 percent of students didn’t pass the exam and still have to attend this class, which cause their grades keep slip down. When it came to the graduation ceremony, half of the students failed to graduate and haven’t got any special skills to help them find jobs.


老师点评

这一段前几句的分析没问题,但是需要通过细节或例子进一步说明额外多修一门课会如何令他们分心。Also后面开始讨论的点过于牵强,而且并未论证清楚。For example 后面引用了教育部的一项数据,写作中肯定是可以引用权威调查或数据的,但是本段中的数据内容过于贴合题目,一看就像是为了论证自己的观点而现编出来的。再加上本段并未分析培养学习习惯的课到底哪里没有用或者如何影响学生的专业 学习等,使得数据本身更没有说服力。其实很多人在使用数据的时候,总是以为事实胜于雄辩,然而再震撼的数字如果不分析,读者也不一定能明白我们想传递的信息。


《新托福写作真经6》39页参考范文 Body Paragraph 2中引用了一个心理学研究,研究表明惩罚并没有用。如果只是摆事实,比如67%的学生说他们不害怕惩罚,当然会有说服力,但是为什么呢?不要忽视了议论文最终要的逻辑。范文中就紧接着提到一旦学生发现没人监视他,就又会作弊。


老师修改

The reason why I disagree with the statement is that the main purpose for which students go to the college is to acquire particular skills or enrich their knowledge of certain fields. Although a good study habit is indeed an important part of college study, as it may affect how well the student perform academically, not all students should be required to attend habits-developing classes. It may distract those students who do not really need to take this kind of class from focusing their time and energy on core courses. Take students who major in mathematics as an example. There are core courses such as calculus and linear algebra for them to attend and certainly have to take strenuous efforts to tackle all those difficult questions in different courses. Sometimes they need to go to the laboratory to establish and test a mathematical model. Any unnecessary course will deprive them of a lot time which would otherwise be more valuable if it is used on those core courses. Therefore, for those who are already equipped with good study habits, whatever discipline they major in, there is no need for them to enroll in courses related to study habits.


学生原文第3段

Although study habits are sometimes vital to a students when they are study, it should not be a major course or even value much more than the major course. we should consider the study habits as a elective class. The class that students are encourage to attend but not required. This course was design to help students to study main course more comfortable. It should not became a main course.


老师点评

最后一段总结全文。需要注意的是既然在让步,那么可以稍微提一下培养学习习惯的课能带来哪个好处,然后再重申自己的观点。


老师修改

In a word, although study habits are sometimes vital to students since students possessing good habits tend to be more autonomous and more willing to take initiative in study, to develop good study habits should not be a mandatory course, especially for all students. We should render it an elective. This course aims to help students to study their main courses more effectively, so students are surely encouraged to attend. Yet, they should not be required to do so.

不知在写作名师庾翔老师的指点之下,这位同学对托福写作有没有茅塞顿开的感觉?《新托福写作真经6》中还有更多的真题、写作范文和写作策略指导,快动手操练起来!

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